


Mistake After Mistake After Mistake

by GizmoTrinket



Series: Stray Thoughts on BBC Sherlock [2]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Friendship/Love, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I was depressed when I wrote this, John Watson's Blog, Loneliness, M/M, POV Sherlock Holmes, Pining Sherlock, Post-Episode: s03e01 The Empty Hearse, Season/Series 03 Spoilers, Trust Issues, molly greg mycroft mrs. hudson The Woman mentioned in passing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 18:22:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6716110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GizmoTrinket/pseuds/GizmoTrinket
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock's reaction to The Empty Hearse post on John's blog. (Basically my explanation to all of Season 3 and why I think Johnlock will never be cannon. That kills me. I'm deaded.) (Update: my faith has been restored by the lovely Rebekah and her series TJLC Explained on YouTube. I've only watched two episodes but that's all it took.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mistake After Mistake After Mistake

**Author's Note:**

> This will make more sense if you read [John's blog entry](http://www.johnwatsonblog.co.uk/blog/07november) first. Open it in a new tab to reference.
> 
> Unbeta'd, unbritpick'd and I didn't even paper edit it (print it out and read it).

The alert chimed on my phone. John had updated his blog. I hesitated over the link with some trepidation. I was assured he had forgiven me. I made sure. People say the truth under duress don't they? And John thought he was going to die and he had forgiven me. There was nothing to worry about, right? But, he was angry afterwards. I pondered this for a long time and eventually gave up and Googled it.

People don't want to die with a guilty conscience. They'll forgive those they're angry with but when they live they hold deeper resentment.

Mistake after mistake after mistake.

I took a deep breath and opened the page.

The first paragraph I mostly ignored. I already understood that I'd caused John pain by disappearing. I was mostly glad others had provided him comfort. Because I ~~wasn't able to~~ didn't. I smirked at the second paragraph. The third paragraph lifted a weight from my shoulders. He understood that I did it for them, that I was protecting them. The second half of the paragraph winded me. It's not that I didn't trust them, can't John see? He's a poor actor and he spilled secrets to everyone he met. Telling The Woman about my homeless network! I gave him my best "shut up" stare and he continued rambling on. If I'd told him he wouldn't have acted properly and I wouldn't be there to protect him. I analyzed the last sentence, more from trying to wring something positive from it than anything else. I couldn't. "Not sure I'll ever truly forgive him for that but as the saying goes, life goes on." John had trust issues. He trusted me before. He trusted me with everything. I pointed a loaded gun to his head with my finger on the trigger (the safety was on but he didn't know that) and he didn't even flinch.

I wondered what would happen if I did that now.

All I could see is him wincing and fear in his eyes.

I swallowed thickly and read the rest of the post to flush that picture from my head. I wanted to delete it but it was stubborn. And, in truth, I'd rather have the image my mind created stuck in my head then forget and have a live version.

The waiter stunt I already regretted and I moved on quickly.

Then, the bonfire paragraph. "And then someone set it alight and that was me gone. Just about. Sherlock and my girlfriend turned up in the nick of time and saved me. It was probably Sherlock himself. Set it all up just so he could save my life so I'd forgive him about what he did." My chest squeezed painfully. That was worse than anything I would have imagined. Trust issues. "Not sure I'll ever truly forgive him..." I blinked several times. The last sentence didn't matter. That was him trying to convince others. It didn't change that he'd had the thought. It didn't change that he believed the thought enough to put it in print. Print that several hundred, possibly thousand, people would read. They'd know too.

Perhaps it was better. He'd be less of a target if they thought he didn't care about me. Knew. If they knew he didn't care about me.

"I mean I know he's a psychopath and I've accepted that but what he did this time, it was too much." _I'm not a psychopath; I'm a high functioning sociopath._ The words rang hollow in my head.

I read how he thought I replaced him with Molly. There was no replacement for him. I needed an assistant. I didn't the first time I said it but I meant it now. There was only one person I knew who'd be willing to accept the role. And, she refused to continue. It wasn't the work that scared her off. It was me.

Probably for the best, I wouldn't want her to be kidnapped.

I read the rest with a sense of detachment and wasn't even surprised at the sentence that should have hurt the most, "I will say, though, she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sorry, Sherlock :)" Of course. Of course she was. He trusted her now. After all, I'd broken his trust. He didn't trust easily and, although I never intended to I'd ruined the one good relationship in my life.

Sure, there was Molly and even Mrs. Hudson. But neither of them held a candle to John. John kept me sane all those months I was alone. John kept me going when I had the option to end it all or endure torture. I had expected him to be waiting. I'd heard him, at my grave, telling me not to be dead. Clearly I'd misinterpreted the sentiment.

Mycroft, as much as I loathe admitting it, tried to warn me. He told me I wouldn't be welcome. He was right. He's always right. He's the smart one, after all. Somehow I'd deluded myself into thinking John was in love with me. All that time away I'd analyzed his behavior and came to the conclusion that we were more than friends. That the reason we were never involved was my fear of relationships. Having a friend was scary enough and I wasn't willing to do anything to lose him. Somehow I figured I'd come back and he'd be waiting in 221B and I would take that ~~jump~~ chance.

"And somebody loves you... Oh, if I had to punch that face, I'd avoid your nose and teeth too." John managed to hit both and open my stitches that night. "Sorry, Sherlock :)"

It took me almost an hour to craft my response. "I see you haven't spent the last two years working on your writing technique." It was hollow and insulting. But, I was a psychopath. I don't have a heart. And, if the remaining enemies believed this maybe John wouldn't end up in anymore bonfires.

I'd once said, "Sentiment is a chemical defect found on the losing side." I wasn't wrong then and it was still true. "Alone is what I have. Alone protects me." I'd said it so many times throughout my life and each time I'd said it to remind myself. To make the choice to be alone.

I was alone now. Molly had her fiancé. Mrs. Hudson was a mother to me. More than my own mother ever was. But, she was strong. She was fine without me and would be again. I'd even been in contact with Lestrade. He seemed pleased to see me but once I'd solved his case he didn't need me. NSY seemed to have improved in the time I was away. I'd solve the cases faster, of course, but now they always seemed to get there before they became desperate. I was even desperate enough to play games with Mycroft of all people. I don't believe either of us enjoyed that or desired a repeat performance.

I was alone and, for the first time, I recognized I didn't want to be. But, it wasn't about me anymore. Alone is what I have. Alone protects the others. Contact with me seemed to corrode others. John said I was like a drug. John said "It's all life or death with him. Nothing in-between." And, now that he had a fiancée it was true. The only times he'd see me would be when he was on a case. More often than not those cases turned into life or death situations. If I could keep him away I'd be able to protect him. _If._

"No. Friends protect people."

I had a friend. I'll continue to do whatever it takes to protect him. Regardless of whether he ever sees me the same way again. And, when I'd made sure he was safe, I'll let the East Wind have me.

**Author's Note:**

> [Link to TJLC Explained](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKUQWjx8aGnCmXgfAlqiuMg)


End file.
